Email Translation 101

March 11, 2013 at 6:11 pm

yes that is a pile of cow shit.

A recurring theme of my photographic career has been the steady stream of emails that arrive into my inbox, offering me the world and more. Over time, I’ve got pretty good at translating them. Here’s an example from today, with my translations in italics. (By the way, I’ve received this exact same email 3 times in the last 6 weeks).


Subject: International Masters of Photography. (Anyone from anywhere with a camera and a website)

Dear Ben, (good start, you got my name right)


I visited your portfolio and I liked your work. (I’m visiting as many photographers websites as possible during my 8 hour shift)  I would like to invite you to submit work for inclusion in “International Masters of Photography”, a juried annual art photography publication (A book showing the work of any hack stupid enough to give us their money) presenting noteworthy (basically anyone) photographers from all over the world.


Please note that there is an inclusion fee if you are approved. (holy shit you’ve actually admitted it in the email?!!!The concept (this word sounds good, and makes us sound serious!) of the publication is different (it’s not, but we can pretend). We try to have a large distribution and the purpose of the book is to promote the artists in it. (the purpose of the book is to line our pockets, we don’t actually give a flying fuck about your work) This is the reason the artists have to pay. (this is the reason we are bombarding you with emails in the hope that you’ll part with your hard earned cash).  Only artists that are up to the (non existent) standards of our (non existent) art committee are approved.


If you are interested (if you are dumb enough to give us your cash), I will send you more information or you can visit: (website link)

To get an idea of the quality of our publications, you can view other books of ours in their entirety on the same site. (we’re dumb enough to put the whole book layouts on our site, not even realising that perhaps this might adversely affect circulation and sales somewhat)


Contact us for more information. (contact us for more of the same bullshit).


Best regards,


S**** F****- Assistant Curator (unpaid intern)

W**** W*** A** Books,INC